By Bonnie Salamon
For several generations, the phrase “boys will be boys” and, in many cases, a man’s infidelity has been written off to just that! However, with the advent of new interpersonal relationships, including same sex unions, the cases and causes of infidelity can no longer be chalked up to such simplistic phrases.
Whether in a heterosexual or lesbian relationship, today’s savvy woman has clarified and stated her boundaries around this issue. The path may be clear for the partner: cheat, physically or emotionally or both, and the marriage (or relationship) is over. For others, infidelity is redefined. There may be an “agreement” for less punitive action.
Still, no matter the “agreement,” the entrance of another woman creates a swirl of feelings, any or all of which may come into play. A sense that “I am not enough” tops the list of reactions. Anger (overshadowing fear of abandonment) and sadness follow close behind. These events can cause corresponding feelings that may stay with her for months, years, and even a lifetime. Infidelity reaches into the core of Essence for a woman.
Men, on the other hand, may not as handily dive into, or recognize, the scope of their emotions. Anger and lashing out seems to top the list of reactions they experience. It is often later that the sadness comes to call.
When it comes to the bottom line, a woman may choose to forgive and move on with the relationship. Why? And, how does she regain the lost trust? Or, can she?
Many women recognize that forgiveness is the gift she gives herself. It’s not always about (or for) the partner. Holding resentment and anger within is the breeding ground for discontent and dis-ease. We are made up largely of water, and since water is affected directly by our internal vibration, our physical well-being is directly proportionate to the upset, resentment, and fear we choose to carry.
Taking weeks, months, and sometimes years to release these strongly negative emotions is a painful process of letting go and surrendering. Again, there is a choice: continue to repeat the painful, hurtful story to everyone; OR, begin to share why you loved and how these experiences will guide you in the future.
A woman talked about her most recently ended relationship by thanking that person for lessons learned. Now she more clearly recognizes her boundaries, understands what it means for her emotional needs to be met, and how her sexuality and sensuality will affect a future relationship. Her joy was evident, and she looked forward to her next relationship because she had blessed and “sanctified” her experiences. Regaining trust brings in the profound question, “What would love do now?” This question offers the opportunity to view trust from all perspectives.
1) WHAT DOES “WHAT WOULD LOVE DO NOW?” MEAN IF I APPLY IT TO MYSELF?
2) HOW DOES COMING FROM LOVE SUPPORT THIS RELATIONSHIP?
3) DOES COMING FROM LOVE MEAN THAT I STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?
For many, physical or emotional infidelity is the breaking point. If it is the end of the relationship, it’s important to honor that commitment to self. You fell in love with this person because of something special and wonderful about him or her. Take those feelings and the lessons learned into the next relationship.
If you choose to stay with that partner, take your time learning to trust again. Openly discuss your parameters and what is expected with your partner. Perhaps it can be a lesson as you both consider “what would love do now?”
By Bob Lancer
Before you can forgive your partner for infidelity you first must forgive yourself.
The only reason her cheating hurts is because you are unconsciously causing yourself the crushing pain you feel in response to her actions. But to state this more accurately, your pain is an exact reflection of your level of consciousness.
You think you are suffering because your spouse doesn’t care about you, but the real cause is your unconscious belief that your partner’s selection of someone “over you” means that you are inferior.
Through higher consciousness you will see that your ego-shattering, heart-crushing feeling of lost self-value is due to unconsciously identifying with an entirely imaginary condition.
Initially, you probably hate what you are going through. That is because sooner or later our need to rise into a higher level of consciousness makes our present level feel unbearable. In your unconscious state you are using the situation to judge and “clobber” your partner, but by doing so you unconsciously perpetuate your unconscious pain-pattern of negatively judging and clobbering yourself.
Try instead to use this situation as an opportunity to raise your level of awareness by looking for how your excruciating sense of betrayal and self-degradation is entirely self-imposed. Look at the internal experience of blaming your partner for your suffering. Look within to really examine your own interior patterns. Embrace your feelings and look for the thoughts connected with them.
PAIN IS ALWAYS A CALL TO BECOME MORE CONSCIOUS.
If you have the courage to take this inner journey, you will soon see that your self-deflating negative judgment of yourself is the result of identifying with an image of yourself as a weak, brokenhearted victim. You will see that the real you is entirely untouched by the imaginary crisis that is swallowing up this false portrayal of yourself.
We can measure the level of an individual’s consciousness by how much perfection he sees and experiences. Through higher conscious awakening you will see how what your partner has presented you with gives you the perfect opportunity to rise into higher awareness, which is the only true source of a more joyous, love-filled life. You will realize that no partner can give you these gifts that only higher consciousness delivers.
As you go through this process, your feelings about your partner shift from blame into gratitude for giving you the impetus you needed to pursue and finally attain the gifts of higher awareness.